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April 21, 2011

And even more wrestlings. I’d rather not write another bulleted post, but I have so many thoughts swirling it is difficult to fully expound on any of these thoughts.

Today I saw my counselor. I am learning how to soften the edges of perfectionism, how to love myself, and be kinder to me. I am growing so much through this process. I am working on being on time. I am learning how to let go of being in control. I am opening up my hands, and learning to let go. Talking with her, reading books and blogs, and much thinking has me quite introspective lately. I am seeking to have a better rhythm to my days. I am striving to become a better parent. I love my sons dearly, and yet sometimes I struggle with being angry. Though I have what I want–a loving spouse, two healthy happy children, and the ability to stay home with them–I am sometimes very frustrated and unfulfilled. I am so grateful for having read Ann Voskamp’s book, as I am learning to truly see the gifts and moments of beauty and the blessings of YOU as I go through my days. Though I want to meal plan (I am so stuck on this idea, seeing it as being the pot-o-gold and once I achieve it, being nourished, spending less, and have more time to play will fall into place), I continue to struggle and have not actually succeeded in doing it. And yet, we HAVE been nourished the past couple of days. We are eating well enough. It is sufficient. I am coming to realize I can only control me (thank you, Lisa-Jo!). I am fighting hard every day–every moment–to love my children well. I am so grateful for “do-overs”, be it S or myself who needs a second chance to do/say/act in the way we really meant, even though we screwed it up the first time. I am so thankful for forgiveness, and tight-squeeze bear hugs around my knees. As I am opening up and letting go, I am seeking to encourage my children as they are learning to make their own choices (“Would you like to wear your jacket today or carry your jacket today?” – thank you Parenting with Love and Logic).

Enough for today.

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