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May 2, 2011

May 2, 2011.
I continue to struggle with how to write and share what is on my heart. Do I bare the parts that are closest to my heart? Do I recount my days – life with my sons and spouse? Do I share uplifting things, for others? Do I vent – my anger, frustration, and dreams? Can I share frustrations with my spouse? I do not like it when people vent about their spouses online. I do not know what and how I am to share. Am I writing for my friends? Am I writing to join the blogs I admire? NO. Am I chronicling the gifts from You? Do I list our names or use pseudonyms? I don’t like pseudonyms. But WHO do I want to read this?! Random people I meet? Ahhh, the struggle…

I have realized I am frustrated by what IS. I long to have more children, and I am angry now is not the time. I know that in my head, and my heart hears You say, “Trust me. Let go. Be patient. Stop trying to control. LET GO and trust Me.” I agree, and then I become tense and frustrated. I ache for more. I want a home with space outdoors to play, an open and inviting kitchen, animals and a garden, and overflowing with children. (I also want meals together to be a regular occurrence, and out-loud living out our faith–to which You replied, “Just because it doesn’t look the way you’ve envisioned, doesn’t mean each of your faiths isn’t real.”)

And as I am agonizing over my sons’ no longer being babies, as they are growing and stretching and becoming little boys (and then bigger boys and then young men and then), I stumbled upon this post and realized I am aching my boys’ growing up. I am mad, and longing to stretch it out–at least have more, at least prolong their growing older, at least fill our home with more, at least, at least…

I’ll continue to wrestle with what to share and how to share it. But for now, this is enough.

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