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Changing my heart

November 7, 2011

I’m dipping my toes into this world of blogging, and with each cautious step I am becoming bolder and more appreciative of this community.

I’ve realized there is a lot I’d like to change (ahem, upload a year of pictures, have a meal plan for the month, respond to the 270+ emails in my inbox, have a grand plan for homeschooling, be fully caught up and ahead with the moms’ group I lead, and on my list goes), and I am simultaneously encouraged that I can just change a little bit, yet more importantly, it’s okay to let go.

I become paralyzed by feeling it’s all or nothing. I’m stuck between the twin peaks of “perfectionism” and “procrastination”.

——–

I wrote the above a couple of days ago, and what a beautiful thing to allow myself the space to mull over the above.

My husband and I are in the midst of wrestling through some changes of how we want our life to BE, and I’ve realized I’ve felt very discouraged about being home. Today, I shifted my focus, from feeling trapped and as though I’m running/fleeing from the way things ARE, to prioritizing being a wife and mother. I didn’t get sucked into my computer or phone. I focused on my boys. I played with them. I picked up. I made dinner. I held the space (a friend recently shared with me about staylistening for each of my boys when they are frustrated–by sitting and BEING with them as they had these waves of huge emotions wash over them–and though it was challenging, it was so good to see the ways we worked through these bumps and are beginning to heal. SF was so MAD when I asked him to do something he didn’t want to do (take one bite of food, take off a wet diaper), and I first held him for an HOUR as he wailed and fought and cried and worked through these BIG feelings, and then for a much briefer period of time the second time. After these two big cries, he was SOOOOOO much more connected with me, and following me with his eyes, and smiling, and pleased to work WITH me when I asked him to do other things. S was very frustrated when I asked that we pray over our lunch, and so I stepped away from the table and held him. We worked through something similar. He needed me to do the same around dinner, but I was too drained to do the same at dinner/before food for myself. However, I am so encouraged to see the ways we are growing, and the ways that I am LOVING my children, and caring for my family. We stayed HOME.

One of my friends posted this recently:
“Modern inventions have provided a way for a woman to stay at home and still not be a keeper at home. We can sit at home in body while traveling in spirit by means of the telephone and the computer. You cannot keep your home and everybody else’s at the same time… Keeping the home is more than staying at home; it is having a heart that is fixed on the home.” –Created to Be His Help Meet

And THAT is what I am seeking: to focus my heart on my family. To pursue my faith, to love my husband, and to love my children. And then everything else. It’s amazing how everything changes when my heart is in a different place.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. jen permalink
    November 18, 2011 10:02 pm

    So nice to see you on your porch… 😉 Really, really looking forward to spending a bit of time with you this weekend and chatting.

    • November 18, 2011 10:24 pm

      Thanks for your gentle urgings to write. Good to see you on yours, too.

      And ditto, looking forward to spending time with you this weekend!

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