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Encouraged and discouraged

November 18, 2011

And so I vacillate. Sometimes I feel so “on” and focused and bringing all I’ve got to mothering. Yesterday, on a whim, we drove up the mountain and played in the snow. It was WONDERFUL. I didn’t hurry my boys down the trail, I wasn’t meeting any friends (and thus wasn’t running late: I HATE it when that happens, and it happens almost ALL the time for me), we had our dog (and when he whined on the way up, I didn’t snap at him to stop whining, I kindly spoke to him saying “yes! I’m so excited we’re going to play, too! You can’t wait to play in the snow, it’ll be grand!”) with us, and on my list goes of how nice it was. ALL of us needed to play, and just BE together. And we did: we played, and we simply enjoyed one another’s company. We didn’t go far at all on the trail, but we didn’t need to. Being in the snow, having the space to breathe and play and explore and discover, being together, all of it was SO good.

And other times I feel I am crumpling under the weight of all that I should have done WEEKS ago, and all the people I’m letting down by not having done these things. I feel I’ve opened Pandora’s Box of Things-That-Must-Be-Done, and I just can’t catch up. I’m discouraged.

I didn’t eat when I needed to, so my energy was SO LOW today. I looked around my home and felt overwhelmed to see so much chaos, so much undone, and so much needing-to-be-done. Thankfully, at the end of the day I put everything away, and ate a good dinner (er, nourishing at least. Smoothies and bread with butter, anyone?) with my boys. Now, I feel I can at least chip away a little bit at what needs to be done, even though when I look at the mountain of STUFF, it is dreadfully overwhelming.

Today I was struggling to find patience, energy, and focus to love my boys the way they need me. I don’t know how to give them the attention they need, summon the patience and love when I’m feeling drained, and still keep up with all of that stuff that must be done. Surely there is a way to do both, without one happening while I’m sacrificing the other. I keep fighting to find a way to do this.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 25, 2011 11:24 pm

    Yes – keep up the fight! It’s so hard to find a rhythm that works for all the dynamics going on in a home, but it must be possible! I struggle with the same feelings. This isn’t a fix-all by any means, but getting together with moms who’ve been there (and aren’t now), women I respect & want to learn from that are a few years ahead of me in life stages- this always helps put things in perspective for me. Glad to know I’m not alone in those “pendulum” moments!

  2. November 25, 2011 11:28 pm

    Annie, so true!! Thanks for your reminder.

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