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Slowly, I am changing

January 31, 2013

I am appreciating my days at home. I am learning to say no. I am sad when I hurt others’ feelings because I say no, and I’m particularly disgruntled with myself when I back out or cancel last minute. It’s hard to say no to what I want to do, but I am so thankful and so glad for my time and my days at home WITH my boys. I do not like being frustrated with them, and I love being connected with them.

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(This morning we backed out of a play date as Simon has a little cold, and we didn’t want to get the two babies sick. I’m glad I swung by to share some muffins, it was nurturing for my heart to see the other mamas for a moment, and I was blessed with some coffee and a much appreciated snack for my boys. We spontaneously went to the library, stumbled upon story time, and thoroughly enjoyed fingerpainting after the stories were read. I sought to focus on them, rather than chatting with the other adults. Some conversation was shared, and that was good; but I was so grateful to intentionally BE with my boys! And I am grateful for the stack of books we checked out.)

I am so glad when I choose to say yes to my boys, and focus on our needs, our home, and our family. Here is what I have been saying yes to lately:
– Jesus. I’ve been praying a lot, and seeking to hear His voice in the little moments or
– Doing my dishes, and being caught up.
– Sitting on the couch and reading with my boys.
– Simply striving to BE outside every day with them: running to our mailbox down the lane, insisting we race/run around the park before playing on the playground (and I’m so grateful for this moment this week, when Simon gripped my finger with his little hand as we ran, and then looked up and said, “Mama, you’re really good at running.”), and racing each other up a hill on a nearby trail.
– Coming HOME for naps (rather than endlessly driving until both are asleep).
– Laying beside Simon so he can fall asleep.
– Today, sitting on the chair in his room as he slept (baby steps, so so good).
– Striving to read my Bible each day.
– Drinking more water.
– Having a little bit of a plan what we’ll eat each day.
– Eating a little more fruits and veggies.
– Making a point to write down in my journal what I am grateful for, recording all of the blessings around me.
– Doing the first things first: eating breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth (woot! Both boys are now brushing their teeth twice a day! This is new for us. ;)), and making our beds. Ahhh, NOW we can move forward with our day!!
– Finally addressing our money, and working on our budget. We have a paper on our fridge, and I’m writing down every time we spend money. It is quite eye opening, and it makes it easier to say no to things!
– Helping our boys with money (yay! I love my new point system!!).
– Again, working on being on time, with the goal to smoothly and peacefully walk out the door.
– We’ve been working on putting things away as we finish with them, rather than simply dropping them on the ground, or pulling out the next thing. It is good for all of us!

All of these are small changes, and yet so big. Some of these are going well, and others we struggle with on a daily basis. Sometimes it is easy to feel defeated, when I am tripped up by some of these. A sweet friend asked me to say out loud to myself, “I’m doing a good job” and I teared up when I said that. I’ve repeated that to myself, when I look at the toys strewn about their room, the dishes overflowing the sink, or the planned dinner not made. Ahhhh, true these things are NOT done, but Simon is napping instead of having a clean room; we ate a balanced lunch on time, instead of having clean dishes and hunger melt downs from all of us (and I made muffins this am! I’ve wanted to do that for the last two weeks: finally, I did it!!); and though I didn’t make the soup I planned to make last night (bummer!!), I DID sit down and read for a bit with our boys, we went outside and ran down to our mailbox, and we were able to eat a quick dinner of leftovers and canned soup. It’s much easier for me to be frustrated and to focus on what isn’t, than to focus on what IS.

– I still struggle with screens before bed (it’s hard to put my phone down or computer away at a reasonable hour…but 11pm is certainly much better than 2am! 11pm is still not early enough.), and sometimes I waste my time on the Internet, rather than using my time wisely, efficiently, and intentionally.

Stuff is tumbling about and ruminating in my soul; not quite sure how to put words to it, though I am thankful for how I am changing. It is uncomfortable–and not fun–but so good.

But this, this is good:

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Making muffins, feeling pretty in a lovely apron from a sweet friend of mine (and feeling nudged to pray for her today), and keeping my gratitude journal nearby (striving to open it as often as I notice the blessings, though often these thoughts pile up and I’ll write many of them down every couple of days)

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Simon sleeping during his nap today. Because I am here, sitting in his room, he has fallen back asleep each time he has woken up. The first time I needed to snuggle in beside him, and the next two times he has closed his eyes after he has seen me. What a gift.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 9, 2013 7:27 pm

    Your struggles are more common to moms than you probably realize. You are doing a great job.

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