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Letting Go.

March 22, 2013

Letting go.



This week, I let go of my plans. I was nervous for how busy we would be, for we had a full week planned. Yet my boys were sick, and so each day we cancelled our plans and spent our days at home together. Reading on our big red couch for hours together were sweet. The books rolled together, from one to the next to the next. Our hearts felt full. Yet before we began reading, or after we finished, the minutes turned into hours that I spent on my phone were not so sweet. I felt unsettled and anxious. And my knee jerk response to that was to poke around on my phone. Check my email. Check facebook updates. Read encouraging and motivating quotes from others on ways to be a good parent. A good mother. A good person. Yet these snippets weren’t filling my ache inside.


I wanted to control every detail, so I could feel a little more at peace. My alarm started going off at 6am, but I wasn’t ready to face today. I dozed and hit the snooze button and prayed until 7:05, when I knew it was time to move forward. I checked in with a friend, was she still on for watching my boys? She said yes. Things haven’t been easy with our friendship, and I was nervous for her to watch my boys. I spent far more time thinking about this, than the reason she was watching my boys.



I let go of control. HE provided a friend. HE provided childcare. I hopped out of the shower. I didn’t straighten my hair. I let go of controlling the details. I leaned in to Him.

I went for some tests, seeing if a lump was just a lump, or if it was more.

I waited. Trusting, leaning, praying.

And it was just a lump.

But the bigger point wasn’t this detail, but the bigger wrestlings going on in my heart, letting go, surrendering, trusting God. Knowing He is good, He’s got me, and He is working everything out for His good and for my good. Saying yes, thank you, and receiving these gifts: the ‘good’, the ‘hard’, the ‘big’, the ‘mundane’. All is grace.

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