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Letting Go

March 29, 2013

I’ve stopped and started this post a hundred times in my mind, I’ve logged on and attempted to begin a handful of times, and I’ve leapt up to respond to every distraction possible. I do not want to write, and yet I DO. God keeps gently nudging me to write, to share, to record, and to remember.

God keeps asking me to let go, and TRUST HIM. It seems to be a running conversation He and I have.

My plans for last week were scratched (and the week before my plans were entirely rearranged, too). None of my days went as planned. We were sick, and our so busy week turned into a stopped week. Many days of this week have not gone as planned, either.

And in the midst of days going differently than I planned, I had an unusual lump, and needed to have a mammogram on Friday (it turned out to be nothing). But still, letting GO. I left my children with a friend, and I needed to trust they would be fine (often our children clash and have trouble together). I dropped them off in their pj’s, and before they had eaten breakfast. Eek! Isn’t that–not eating breakfast–a recipe for disaster?! And yet I had listened, and I heard a still small voice saying, “love them, hold them”. And I did. I gently scooped them from their beds, held them, and set them in our truck. I didn’t snap, prod, or lecture what they needed to do. I simply loved them. Topping off their emotional tanks was far more important than filling their empty bellies. As I was leaving my friend’s house, I received a text from my mom, which said “praying for peace”. I burst into tears. I am grateful we were able to talk as I drove over to my appointment. I was early!! I walked into the strange office, handed over my paperwork, went upstairs, walked past the chemotherapy room, and sat down in another waiting room.

Sitting quietly, in the stillness, waiting. Reading One Thousand Gifts, having the quiet space to finish my book. Putting on my gown top, shapeless and made to fit all sizes. Seeing the abstract art in the bathroom, of two females sitting beside each other within a circle. They seemed held, cocooned, and as though they were supporting one another. Holding space, and simply BEING together. Do I do this? Nurture my community? Let others in? Share? Know, and be known?

After my very long appointment, with most of the time spent waiting to move between waiting chairs, it was almost besides the point to hear it was nothing. It didn’t really matter if the lump was something serious, or nothing. I was held–and am held–and will be held–by my Heavenly Father. I am to lean into God, seek Him, and simply BE with Him. He has all of my days in His hands, and each day is simply unfolding minute by minute for me. That is reassuring, and I am grateful when I can rest in this.

I am still overwhelmed: by too full days, by too many unanswered emails and too full of an inbox, by what is undone, and by what isn’t done. And yet, doesn’t it make a difference where I look, and where I fix my eyes? When I am looking at all of this muck, I feel overwhelmed. And yet when I look to Christ, and listen to His gentle voice, I am at peace. He is good. He is gentle. He asks me to love Him. He asks me to love myself, and love my sweet boys, and love my beloved. He asks me to simply do the next thing, and take one step forward. That’s it. I can keep listening to and looking to Him.

One Comment leave one →
  1. briana pitt permalink
    May 27, 2013 5:55 pm

    wow. Thank you for writing this…for recording it. I had no idea you were going through that….i can only imagine how hard it was to wait in the “not knowing” and really press in to God’s nearness and believe He has you in his hands. I’m so glad it wasn’t serious. and so thankful we have a loving Father for the big moments like that and the small ones in-between.

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